MonthFebruary 2015

Slightly Intoxicated Cooking in Thirty-Seven Steps

Hay grrrrl hayyyyyyyy. You had a long day. You left the house for a 24 minute photo shoot with a photographer from the local college paper and you had brunch. It’s time to take a load off. But for three weeks you’ve been meaning to make macaroni and cheese with vegetables to bring to work and the vegetables aren’t gonna last much longer. You might be a little drunk but you got this.

Step one: Pre-heat the oven to 350. That’s probably in degrees. Honestly you haven’t even looked up a recipe yet so you’re not super sure you’re gonna use that oven. But it’s a safe bet. Most stuff goes in ovens.




(step 1 part 2) ask your friend about her recipe that was pretty good but don’t ask for the whole recipe because you hate rules and directions





Step two: Take that shit that you store in the oven out of the oven. Super important. It’s a lot harder to find oven mitts and get it out later.




Step three: Pour yourself a glass of wine. You had a drink and a beer at brunch. You do not have to drive anywhere. If you were gonna change your mind and go out, now is the time. Ok no? Use that old bottle of wine. It’s from last week. Pour it into one of those little jars. Yeah the little mason jars. You’ve been drinking out of them since you were 3 but they are cool now and by logical extension that makes you cool now, too.




step 4: Take off your bra and get out of those photo shoot clothes. You’re not going anywhere. Put on a t-shirt and bathrobe. Normally just underpants are fine but you have a roommate now. Where are those pajama pants? Why can’t you find your pajama pants. Where the fuck are your pajama pants? Maybe if you put away your clothes once in a awhile you could be a regular human who didn’t get stressed the fuck out every time you wanted to relax in some nice clean pajamas IS THIS REALLY YOUR LIFE goddammit you emptied out two bins of clean clothes and you were JUST WEARING THEM THIS MORNING. THEY ARE ALSO NOT IN THE BATHROOM. NOW WHY WOULD A ROBBER COME IN THE HOUSE AND JUST STEAL PAJAMA PANTS THAT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL BUT IT IS THE ONLY POSSIBLE ANSWER FOR THIS BRIEF TRAGEDY. SERIOUSLY WHAT ARE THE DECISIONS THAT GOT YOU TO THIS POINT – HOME ALONE ON A SUNDAY MAKING ‘MACARONI AND CHEESE COOKING’ INTO THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR WEEK BUT NOW ITS A STRESSFUL AWFUL CHORE. JUST GIVE UP NOW YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS PAIN. WAIT HERE’S SOME SWEATPANTS YOU FORGOT ABOUT! They look nice. Back in business. A lot of people would not be brave enough to wear sweatpants and pink slippers and a bathrobe but your life is going great and you are rad. Take a selfie.




5. you probably should have started boiling the macaroni already but it’s ok. how much water? doesn’t matter. measurements aren’t for you. add some salt to the water.

number six- make a roux. don’t be too haughty about it. you’ve heard the word “roux” and you know it’s a thing people make, but let’s be honest, you had to google it. and this wasn’t the first time.


(number 6.5 added later because you didn’t want to edit too much) cut up some onions. wait. you probably don’t want to use those. never mind. remember to start a garden later. onions and their onion-y ability to grow their acrid roots anywhere are really inspirational if you think about it. potatoes too.





SEVEN add a little flour to the roux. you have flour. why does it have a mouse shaped hole in the side? take a little bit from the other side. and throw it away when you’re done and don’t drink enough wine that you will document this.


step nine – redacted


10) grate that cheese as fast as you possibly can because you should have planned ahead and the butter is burning


11- strain the pasta already, shit shit shit


12 put the vegetables and pasta and cheese in some pans and put it in the oven but save yourself some in case you like it better not baked then you can do a comparison just kidding. who cares. you’re hungry.


13- go ahead and brag about it. most people are watching the Grammy Awards tonight. you made mac and cheese with vegetables. revel in your accomplishments.

A Six Point Rebuttal to My Horrible Awful Former Friend Drew Ailes’ Article on Why Musicians Don’t Deserve to Get Paid (It’s OK There’s No Death Threats in Here)

6. Nothing sucks. There’s no such thing as sucking in art. Even if you don’t plan out your music and you never practice, you should be able to walk into a bar any night of the week and pull out your glockenspiel and get super funky and earn the equivalent of a day’s wages. People need to be challenged by art. Most people dismiss things they don’t like as “sucking” and despite the problematic nature of that word, it just means they don’t want to really think about the art. They just want it to be digestible. Sorry you didn’t have fun sexy feelings from listening to that, sheeple. Get out of your box and explore your other feelings with strangers at the bar. Feelings like hate and pain.

5. It’s the future. There are no jobs. Music should be a job that makes money. Have you ever tried to work with a musician in a service industry job? It’s irritating as hell being plied with show fliers and having them treat you like a prospective fan. We pay politicians and project managers and nobody knows what they do. Pay a musician so they don’t have to work in a cubicle next to you.
People may irrationally offer sex to musicians and artists and comedians a little too often, but if there were more musicians getting paid, maybe the supply and demand would balance out and human musicians would be able to pursue healthy relationships with equal partners or at least afford a therapist who helped them work on their self esteem enough that they don’t need to be validated by offers of stranger-sex to keep living.

4. Most people are not rich already. If they were, music equipment wouldn’t get stolen on a daily basis. Please pay musicians so I don’t have to deal with another Kickstarter and I have a decent reason to feel scorn when my inbox is inundated by requests to share campaigns. Yes, most people can eat and even pay some rent. But imagine a world where they also knew how to play their instruments or could afford a nice wig to wear onstage to distract you from their lack of ability.

3. There’s enough pain. Lack of money is just the pain people focus on first because it’s the most immediate issue unless they’re really really sick. There’s no shortage of pain to feel about everything in life. Having enough money to afford healthcare and a therapist might get you through that pain and spit you out with enough energy left to compose and perform a beautiful kazoo and drum symphony about how your whole family still hates you.

2. The world doesn’t owe you anything. That’s a basic premise that is true enough to start out with, but it doesn’t mean you have to show up at a job and not get paid. Your boss can’t be like “oh my bad, it’s the world’s problem” because citing philosophical premises doesn’t stand up in court. Entitlement is an issue when expect to get paid and rebooked after you get angry at the audience for not loving you, you’ve treated every single person you know like shit, you’ve shown up late, and you regularly drank enough to not remember your performance. With enough people getting paid fairly, those people don’t get shows. Are you reading this and think I’m talking about you? I might be. But, like, I’m thinking of 120 people right now. It’s that pervasive.

1. Hopefully you care the right amount. The number one reason people quit making music/art/comedy is because nobody likes it. Sometimes the only thing that discourages people from doing art is if nobody finds it compelling. Sometimes this is super helpful. Keep caring and take a fucking hint already (unless you’re in it to make people bored and angry). Then keep it up, you’re accomplishing your goals and getting paid. But probably not for long.



Drew’s original article can be found here

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