Hay grrrrl hayyyyyyyy. You had a long day. You left the house for a 24 minute photo shoot with a photographer from the local college paper and you had brunch. It’s time to take a load off. But for three weeks you’ve been meaning to make macaroni and cheese with vegetables to bring to work and the vegetables aren’t gonna last much longer. You might be a little drunk but you got this.
Step one: Pre-heat the oven to 350. That’s probably in degrees. Honestly you haven’t even looked up a recipe yet so you’re not super sure you’re gonna use that oven. But it’s a safe bet. Most stuff goes in ovens.
(step 1 part 2) ask your friend about her recipe that was pretty good but don’t ask for the whole recipe because you hate rules and directions
Step two: Take that shit that you store in the oven out of the oven. Super important. It’s a lot harder to find oven mitts and get it out later.
Step three: Pour yourself a glass of wine. You had a drink and a beer at brunch. You do not have to drive anywhere. If you were gonna change your mind and go out, now is the time. Ok no? Use that old bottle of wine. It’s from last week. Pour it into one of those little jars. Yeah the little mason jars. You’ve been drinking out of them since you were 3 but they are cool now and by logical extension that makes you cool now, too.
step 4: Take off your bra and get out of those photo shoot clothes. You’re not going anywhere. Put on a t-shirt and bathrobe. Normally just underpants are fine but you have a roommate now. Where are those pajama pants? Why can’t you find your pajama pants. Where the fuck are your pajama pants? Maybe if you put away your clothes once in a awhile you could be a regular human who didn’t get stressed the fuck out every time you wanted to relax in some nice clean pajamas IS THIS REALLY YOUR LIFE goddammit you emptied out two bins of clean clothes and you were JUST WEARING THEM THIS MORNING. THEY ARE ALSO NOT IN THE BATHROOM. NOW WHY WOULD A ROBBER COME IN THE HOUSE AND JUST STEAL PAJAMA PANTS THAT DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL BUT IT IS THE ONLY POSSIBLE ANSWER FOR THIS BRIEF TRAGEDY. SERIOUSLY WHAT ARE THE DECISIONS THAT GOT YOU TO THIS POINT – HOME ALONE ON A SUNDAY MAKING ‘MACARONI AND CHEESE COOKING’ INTO THE HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR WEEK BUT NOW ITS A STRESSFUL AWFUL CHORE. JUST GIVE UP NOW YOU DON’T DESERVE THIS PAIN. WAIT HERE’S SOME SWEATPANTS YOU FORGOT ABOUT! They look nice. Back in business. A lot of people would not be brave enough to wear sweatpants and pink slippers and a bathrobe but your life is going great and you are rad. Take a selfie.
5. you probably should have started boiling the macaroni already but it’s ok. how much water? doesn’t matter. measurements aren’t for you. add some salt to the water.
number six- make a roux. don’t be too haughty about it. you’ve heard the word “roux” and you know it’s a thing people make, but let’s be honest, you had to google it. and this wasn’t the first time.
(number 6.5 added later because you didn’t want to edit too much) cut up some onions. wait. you probably don’t want to use those. never mind. remember to start a garden later. onions and their onion-y ability to grow their acrid roots anywhere are really inspirational if you think about it. potatoes too.
SEVEN add a little flour to the roux. you have flour. why does it have a mouse shaped hole in the side? take a little bit from the other side. and throw it away when you’re done and don’t drink enough wine that you will document this.
step nine – redacted
10) grate that cheese as fast as you possibly can because you should have planned ahead and the butter is burning
11- strain the pasta already, shit shit shit
12 put the vegetables and pasta and cheese in some pans and put it in the oven but save yourself some in case you like it better not baked then you can do a comparison just kidding. who cares. you’re hungry.
13- go ahead and brag about it. most people are watching the Grammy Awards tonight. you made mac and cheese with vegetables. revel in your accomplishments.