MonthJuly 2014

don’t forget to support my No-Kill Werewolf Rescue

This is a project I have been working on since April. Please click the link to find out how you can prevent werewolf deaths and get a werewolf to name it’s baby after you.

in memoriam

in memory of lonelydad69's dog, Abraham

in memory of lonelydad69′s dog, Abraham













she had the voice of a drunk angel

she had the voice of a drunk angel









i made this but feel free to share it. i know a lot of people are sad about this.

i made this but feel free to share it. i know a lot of people are sad about this

The Diary of the Tiniest Cop

I have been working on a biography about Walter F. Nubbins, or “Nubbers” to his friends. He was the smallest person in America to ever become a police officer, standing at just 11 inches tall. He overcame a lot of adversity in order to use his success to successfully discriminate against other people. Some people might call him a hero. But those people are assholes. Unfortunately, he died suddenly last year when an air conditioner fell on him at Wal-Mart.

I was able to attend his funeral last fall. It was heartbreaking to see his mother place his tiny corpse in a carefully decorated half of a milk carton and set it on fire and send it off onto Lake Superior where it burned for sixteen minutes.

His sweet mother granted me access to his diaries, afterward, and has given me permission to share some excerpts.

December 4th, 2004

Dear Diary/Memoir Rough Draft,

There is something I should explain. I am eleven inches tall. When I was a baby it was no big deal but now that I am a man it’s a big deal. Other than that I’m a regular guy. Love sports and America and for the record I’m way stronger than a baby and I could even beat one up in an emergency.

January 7th, 2005

My neighbor stole my fucking firewood. I am so fucking pissed. I am trying to let it go but everything reminds me of that fucking firewood. The chair. The cabinet. The couch. There is probably even wood in the tv. I hate that wood-stealing motherfucker.

January 8th, 2005

A lot of people have stereotypes about short people. They think we did this to ourselves through negligence or that we steal or that we can all do magic tricks or we were raised by wolves. They think we get discounts on pants and prefer living underground and have special powers over the animals.

January 10th, 2005

Ok I lied in my dating profile and said I was 5’11’’ which is basically a five foot lie, but it worked. I went to meet my date at Vescios in Dinkytown but at the last minute I got scared and hid in a boot for four hours.

January 20th, 2005

Dear Diary,
I got the job, man! I assume you are a man because if my diary was some stupid lady diary that only cared about height and not feelings I’d throw you in the fire. Anyways I am a cop now. I start on Monday.

January 24th, 2005

This was my first official day as a cop and I am happy to report that most of my co-workers are so racist they don’t even notice I’m short.

February 10, 2005

I’m learning a lot of life experience and having fun, too. Today I went out to the bar with a bunch of cop buddies after work and I hid in the pool table and stole all of the solid balls so we won $100 for the Starbucks fund back at the cop office which they call a station.

February 24, 2005

The police dog at the “station” is named Shark and sometimes when nobody is around I sit on him like a horse and we zip around all the chairs in the break room. He is basically my bff here since everyone found out I am ⅛ Puerto Rican.

June 7, 2005

Dear Diary,

A lot has changed since I last wrote in you. Shark, the police dog, stopped being angry at criminals and had to retire. So he is my helper dog now. Sometimes we go to the old folks’ home and confiscate their weed just so he feels useful. Then we go out to the parking lot and sell it back to them.

August 10, 2005

Dear Diary,
This is a political rant. There need to be more scientist politicians because most politicians do not know much science or medical facts.
Also I am thinking about quitting my job and becoming a private detective, mainly because I’d be able to wear my own clothes and spend more time hiding, which is my forte, and less time on paperwork. Going to a career counselor on Friday.

September 11, 2005

Sometimes I think if I had been on one of those planes hiding in the bathroom I could have saved everyone.

October 6, 2006

Sorry it’s been so long, Diary. I’ve only had one dream for the last year. I am underwater swimming with dolphins and they bring me back to their secret city and make me their king. There’s sex parts too but they are embarrassing.

July 22, 2007

Dear Diary,

I have been writing poems but I am too scared to put them in you so I have been writing them in my journal. Here’s a few:

    Pee of the World

all you stupid people
smell like pee
pee on your shoes
pee on your boots
pee on your flip flops
you stupid pee people
have no idea
all your feet
smell like pee

    Shoes of the World

all you stupid people
in all your nice clothes
with ugly shoes
i notice your shoes
you’re not getting away with anything

    Dogs of the World

all you stupid people
with all your dogs
why is it such a big deal
if your dog is nice
my dog Shark
will eat your face off
he is the strongest dog in the world
just like a real shark

September 4, 2007

My mom always said people were jealous of me. Jealous I don’t have to use a lot of shampoo and that I can relax on a hot day in a tub of ice cream. Jealous that I don’t use a lot of natural resources and that my property taxes on my 56 square foot house were so low. I know she was right because when I started a Facebook group called “People Who Are Jealous of Walter Frank Nubbins” 1,614 people joined.

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