Since I won $1,000 in a comedy contest last Tuesday a lot of people have been asking me what I did with the money. Well, I didn’t do anything cool. Nothing that would impress people. If you had told me a month ago that I was going to win $1000 and asked what I would do, I might have said something like “Well I’d probably split it with the other contestants because we all deserve it and that’s a lot of money”. But I didn’t do that. Now the money is gone, but I wanted to hold myself accountable, so I made a list of all the things I bought that led to the life of luxury I am living this week.


1. $5 plus tip went to a drink for my friend Jun. He’s a nice guy and the only person that wanted to go watch comedy the night I won. There’s nothing better than leaving a room of three hundred people who just saw you win, and going to a bar with six people, three of whom are doing comedy, and then not getting up, to keep you humble. I was worried I would just start yelling douchebag stuff like “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!! I WON A COMEDY CONTEST!” But that didn’t happen. I was relieved. Then I bought Jun another drink and realized I was too drunk to keep hanging out and left him alone at the bar.


2. $60 to pay back Chris. Chris made me dinner back in November and then we watched Scandal. My bank account was going to go negative the next day and I didn’t have anything to sell on Craigslist. It took three hours, and I’ve never done this to a friend before, but I asked him if I could borrow sixty dollars. He said yes and I said I would pay him back someday. Someday finally came. You’re welcome, Chris. With the $60 I also included a printed list with links of birthday gift ideas for me in the $60 dollar range.


3. $24 phone chargers. Two weeks ago when I was pretty broke, I had a dream. A dream that I would be so fancy that I would have a phone charger for my car, one at both jobs, and one at home. This week I was finally able to make ⅔ of that dream come true when my new phone chargers arrived in the mail but one doesn’t work. I probably won’t return it, because who am I to spend five minutes on the phone with some customer service rep over a $4 dollar off brand phone charger. I am a thousandaire. Or I was for at least one hour last Tuesday.


4. $104 phone bill. I was going to pay this anyway but I was able to pay it on time and didn’t have to quit smoking cigarettes for two weeks to afford it.


5. $98 city utilities. I was not going to pay this. Because I know for a fact they let it go until it reaches about two hundred dollars and then one day you see a weird spray painted blue line and a stake in your front yard and the next day your water is shut off and it’s another $115. So it’s best just to sit back and not worry about it too much and monitor your front yard closely.


6. $140 new Dansko sandals. These didn’t fit. I still haven’t returned them just in case my feet lose weight.


7. $36 Dansko shoe repair. I have had two pairs of my favorite shoes that have been sitting in my car for a year because I was scared of how much it would cost to repair them. Actually, I had three pairs, but I couldn’t remember what was wrong with the third pair so I took them home to wear a few times and figure it out. They were brown and I don’t wear brown shoes, so maybe I was just going to ask if they could change the color. The other two pairs will come back repaired and cleaned, so it’s just like getting new shoes that are four years out of fashion.


8. $6.50 for the pint tub of cottage cheese. I have been eyeing this for awhile. Cottage cheese prices have really gone up this year and $6.50 seems like a lot to pay. But I saw it, next to the sour cream, and was like “Let’s do this. I won a comedy contest.” The lady next to me was not impressed. Partly because she was waiting while I stood in the refrigerated section of Rainbow Foods holding the door open, vacillating about whether I really deserved to win that contest, and as a result, if I am the kind of person who should be able to splurge on cottage cheese. It’s fortunate that I did, though, because later that week my dog got really sick and I had to feed him most of that cottage cheese, along with rice, until he could hold his food without spraying diarrhea everywhere. He loved it.


9. $32 new dog treats. One of my dogs doesn’t have any teeth and the other one has really sharp mean teeth, so I have to buy a variety of different treats. This time I got some sort of Himalayan hard cheese sticks, duck feet, and soft treats. One of these gave my toothless dog diarrhea.


10. $40 laundry. When Ralphie, the toothless chihuahua, was sick, his favorite thing to do was pop up off the couch in a panic and run to the door. By “run” I mean a slow hunched arthritic waddle while shitting everywhere, in a long meandering trail, from the couch through the living room, through the kitchen, and out the door. He’d stop for a second and start circling and then remember he was inside, and then continue his shit-trek with the goal of reaching outside. Typically he’d be fresh out of poop by the time he reached the door. But I have two blankets, fifteen rag rugs, and two dog beds that he managed to spray on his way to the door. And my dryer broke.


11. $40 plus tip for headshots. Comedians need head shots. $40 is the amount of drinks it takes a good photographer to get drunk and agree to do your headshots for free. No takesie-backsies.


12. $70 e-cigarettes. This one is an investment because they are cheaper than regular cigarettes and I can smoke them in the bathroom at work. I’ve been spending a lot of time in there lately. A lot of interesting stuff happens in the bathroom and I have been able to identify two of the people that don’t excel in the area of flushing or washing hands. I made a list of those people and I keep it in my desk at work in case I ever have to report them to HR or the police. It’s entitled “People Who Work in this Office Who are Probably Most Likely to Start an Outbreak of Norovirus or even Hepatitis A” and there are two names and they are both highlighted.


I realize that’s only about $600 but the rest of the money disappeared somehow. I could go over my bank statement but that would make me feel anxious again, like I was before I won $1000 in a comedy contest.